Relentless: Part two – Kate’s ramblings

In the last post I wrote about how being relentless in my dedication to be better and do better was a good thing. I relentlessly show up both for myself and for my classes who rely on me. These are great things. There is, however, a part of me that doesn’t want to. 

That nagging voice is relentless. That negative self-talk is relentless. Not feeling as though I am good enough is relentless. The procrastination part of my ADD is relentless. Some days it’s like fighting an uphill battle all day long. 

Over time, I have managed to work through the negative self- talk that tells me I am not good enough at this fitness stuff and I should just hang it up and let someone more fit teach these classes. What helps get me through it, is people talking about how refreshing it is to have an instructor that isn’t “perfect”. I am regular, just like them. I am good with that. My quest for fitness is for my own self. If I can help others along the way, then the more the merrier.

I have a harder time trying to quiet that naggy voice that tells me that I am too silly, that I need to be more serious and more focused because I am not holding up my end of the bargain. I am extremely fortunate that I have surrounded myself with people who understand my silliness and don’t try to “fix” me. I still think I’m too much. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, but I am the right people’s double shot of whisky. 

The procrastination is the hardest thing to manage. Even as I write this I am working on three other things. I write a little, and then go back to my spread sheet… then I come back all the while singing along to classic rock. I have honestly put off writing this for weeks. I knew what I wanted to write about. I thought about it a lot, but I just couldn’t sit down and write it. It has been like this my whole life. There is always tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. This is by far the most relentless thing in my life. It is a huge bummer and something I struggle to manage. One of my tools is Tai Chi. Tai Chi helps calm me; it calm’s my body and my mind. It helps me stay focused and get things done. The relentless thing about ADD procrastination is that I will always choose to do Tai Chi or another form of exercise over what-ever task I am putting off.  So it’s ultimately a wonderful tool in my box of tricks, but sometimes too much something good is something bad. 

There are two sides to every coin.  I can say that for as much as these things bother me and create havoc, my silly side, my happy go lucky self, is even more relentless. So, I suppose, it evens the score.

~Kate